Dreaming of Sleep

Been trying to figure out some important decisions and can’t. Thinking, talking and reading about it just makes me more confused. Every time I think I’ve made up my mind I find doubt creeping in. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I should be doing with my life…all I know is I am profoundly unhappy, unfulfilled and disenchanted with the way I’m trying to survive.

Anonymous: I have been binding for 5 years since I told my parents I was trans. But I still haven't moved forward with my transition. My parents are against it and tell me no one will ever love a transman and I'll never get a job. My dad says I'll regret it. And that's what scares me most of all, I have been so suicidal and I am terrified to transition and be wrong and end up killing myself anyway. Could you give me any advice from your experience? I hope you're okay

I’m so, so sorry that you’re in that situation. And I understand how you feel. You are brave for being true to yourself and not giving up after all this time.

First, your parents aren’t correct about “no one” loving transmen and never being able to get a job. I don’t know where you live, but many places have laws protecting people’s jobs against gender discrimination. And even without those laws, surprisingly few people care (most bosses just want people to do their jobs well). As far as relationships are concerned, society has come a long way from being scared of diversity and you’d be surprised how little your gender identity affects your relationships (again, people usually care more about other stuff, like who you are).  It helps if you avoid groups of close minded bigots, though. (There are groups of queers all over the world, Meetup groups, college groups, clubs like GSA..etc, gay bars, women’s studies classes… a little searching goes a long way).

Ultimately your life is YOUR life, and the choices you make are yours. People can tell you all kinds of stuff to try to control you, but it’s not their place to stop you from trying to make yourself happy. At the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own actions. If you need to do something for yourself (and others feel that they need to say something about it) then the best thing you can do for everyone is go for it.You can’t live a full and authentic life if you’re lying to yourself.

If you need anymore support I’d be glad to help. I wish you the absolute best.

tw: eating disorder, depression, suicide…etc.

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